Regrets
by kelles
Summary: A series of ficlets in the MANGA universe centered on the theme of regret. So far: Integral, YumikoYumi, Captain Hans, Walter. Some mild slash & femmeslash themes. Possible AU. [WIP]
1. Default Chapter

AN: This is the first in a series of one-shot ficlets on the theme of regret in the **manga universe**. The first one is the regrets Integral might have if she made a certain choice. SPOILERS for manga past volume 6. Usual disclaimers - I do not own own Hellsing or its characters.

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Regrets: Chapter 1 - The Knight

Integral Hellsing pretended to sleep while she watched him get dressed. His back was to her so he could not see her watching. The choice she made last night surprised even her. Integral had always thought she would choose Alucard. He went by the name of Dracula or Count now but to her he would always be Alucard. She had not chosen him – however. Why had she chosen that damn Catholic? What could he possibly give her – but himself?

She had given up so much more then merely losing Alucard. Although she would miss him, he was expendable. Everyone was. That had been one thing her father had taught her before he died. Hellsing would carry on its mission with or without Alucard – just like it had when he was locked up in the basement. What she had lost was power. He would have gladly turned her into what he was - but now it is too late. She was no longer a virgin. Integral Hellsing had given up her chance to be a true monster – a Nosferatu and there was no going back now.

Regret. Integral Hellsing never dreamt she would be feeling this emotion after such an amazing night. Last night had been incredible – more then just sex. Their emotions had been raw, honest, brutal…so incredibly human. Integral chuckled at the realization that she had just answered her own question. The reason she had chosen him, Alexander Anderson, was because he couldn't give her power. Anderson was her choice because he was so undeniably human – just as she was.

Still she felt that damn emotion. Regret for so many things.

…For never knowing true power.

…For knowing she would die.

…For never knowing what it was like to be one with him – Dracula.

Although Integral knew it was so incredibly wrong, deep down she **wanted** him to sink his fangs into her neck and drink her blood. And for so many years she had wanted to taste his blood. That was impossible now and Integral Hellsing truely regretted it.

The man sat on the bed as he put on his boots. He smiled at her as he stroked her hair. Not an act of possession but one of love. "I'm sorry, Integral." He whispered.

She opened her eyes as she grinned at him. "Sorry – for what? I wanted last night to happen." Integral replied coolly.

"I know you must have some too, Integral. Regrets. I'm sorry if I caused you to regret anything." Anderson saw a far-away look in his lover's eyes. "It is okay Integral - I have them too." Alexander kissed her lips gently. "I will do my best to help you forget."

Integral took his hand. "Well, I hope so, Alexander." She could not help thinking that she would never forget all that she had given up in just one night. What was most surprising was how much it hurt.


	2. Last Request

AN: **Set in the manga** in volume 8. Major spoilers.

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Yumiko had been wondering around for hours in the ruins that used to be the city of London. _Where are you, Wolfe?_ Yumiko had no idea what had happened because Yumi had been in control of her body at the time. The nun looked at her habit – she was covered in blood. Yumiko had no idea if it was vampire blood or human and didn't really want to know. Yumi must have passed out and somehow her glasses had been put back on her head. Yumiko didn't care how it had happened but she was glad to be back in control of her body. Now to find Wolfe and Alexander. 

She followed the agonizing wails and screams. Those sounds were the worst she had ever heard. After going the wrong way a few times, Yumiko came upon the horrifying scene. The Hellsing demon had released hundreds (or was it thousands?) of souls he had enslaved. How was it even possible? Did God let him have this power? _No, God would not do that. It is Satan's doing._ His slaves were impaling hundreds of what looked like Millennium vampires. Yumiko could only hope there were no human victims. _What has that witch done?_

As she walked closer to the action, Yumiko could feel Yumi's desire to take over her body with each step she took. The berserker wanted to participate in the bloodshed while she hated it. _No Yumi, you've caused enough trouble for me today._ As soon as she saw him falling to the ground from the helicopter, Yumiko had to go to him. She had to save him. Father Maxwell's life was in peril and he needed her help.

Yumiko ran as fast as she could but it was already too late. She arrived just as Father Anderson was sealing their boss' fate with his blessed blades. _Has the world gone mad? I thought I was the crazy one with two personalities!_ She stood watching for a second from a distance as the demon's slaves made their way for Enrico. _No I won't let them kill him._ She made her way through until she reached the Hellsing group and saw Wolfe. She wouldn't even talk to Anderson now. He had shown himself as a true Judas Priest.

"Heinkel! We must help him. Father Maxwell – he needs us." She screamed at her partner who was standing watching it all as she smoked her cigarette. Her face was not showing any emotion. How could this be?

When Wolfe failed to move, Yumiko became enraged. "Wolfe?" She asked one more time, tears streaming down her cheeks. Dracula's slaves were almost there. Wolfe turned her head and said something to Father Anderson.

"Wolfe – how can you just stand there? He was always there for us!" Yumiko started to run towards her former boss but felt something pull her back – it was Heinkel. The two struggled but when Yumiko was not a berserker, Wolfe was the stronger of the two. Yumiko could do no more but watch horrified as Father Maxwell was impaled by the soul slaves. After it was over, she lost control; tears of rage fell onto her cheeks, as she screamed at Father Anderson and Sister Heinkel.

Wolfe Heinkel pulled Yumiko against her in a tender embrace. She tried to comfort her by stroking her hair and reassuring her with soft-spoken words. It seemed to work for a few moments but then Yumiko broke free, wanting to reach Father Maxwell. She had to say good-bye. As she pulled away and tried to stop her, the inevitable happened – her glasses fell off. No one would ever know if she had taken them off on purpose or if it had been fate. It didn't matter anyway for now Yumi was in control.

Yumi rushed to Father Maxwell who was lying on the ground alone. Father Anderson was fighting the demon who caused this hell on earth. The berserker had never before been so calm – or perhaps she allowed Yumiko to emerge to share this moment. She held his head in her arms as she stroked his long hair. Father Maxwell had protected the both of them – Yumiko and Yumi. She kissed him softly on the head and said a prayer, wishing him a safe trip to heaven. Tears poured from her eyes, as her face grew red from rage. She would have her vengeance.

It was her fault. The witch – she had done this. Integral Hellsing had to pay.

_No, Yumi – you can't do this. We will die. There is no way we can defeat Dracula and his army._ Yumiko told Yumi inside her mind.

_I don't care, Yumiko! We owe this much to him after Father Anderson's betrayal and Sister Heinkel's failure to do anything!_

Yumi stormed over towards Integral Hellsing ignoring Heinkel's protest. Wolfe tried to stop her with her own hands and Yumi pushed her away as if she were a child. The berserker glanced over at the Demon and traitor – they were oblivious to her, too obsessed with their own war. Yumi laughed maniacally – finally she could put Integral Hellsing in her place: hell.

Integral was talking to Seras Victoria watching her other demon fight, when Yumi confronted the Hellsing Knight. She aimed a gun at Integral's head while accusing her with her words. "You-you-you killed him! How could you? Now you will pay, you evil bitch!" Yumiko screamed at the top of her lungs. The got the attention of everyone in the area.

Seras Victoria moved in front of Integral. "I won't let you hurt Sir Hellsing!" She yelled.

Yumi laughed. "I have enough silver bullets to kill you both!"

Several bullets left Yumi's gun – all heading for the Hellsing heir and her vampire. Seras did not flinch as they entered her body but fell back into Integral when Yumi's gun was empty.

The fight had stopped between the two madmen: Dracula and Judas Priest. Both were headed towards Integral. Their fighting stopped for one common goal – protecting their queen. As they reached her, Father Anderson whispered something to Dracula. The vampire nodded. As Yumi reloaded her gun and Seras struggled to protect her boss, Anderson became the true Judas Priest once again. The Iscariot priest threw daggers into Yumi's back, just before her finger pulled the trigger. He had probably saved Integral's life once again.

Integral grinned at the Priest as she cut her finger to feed Seras some blood. The young vampire was in bad shape and needed it if she were to survive. Anderson stood staring at his dying comrade. The priest was in a state of disbelief over what he had just done. Maxwell was different – so drunk on power he did not care who got hurt. But Yumiko…she had a pure heart. Alexander felt he had no choice – something in him just couldn't let her kill Integral. Although he wanted to deny it – even he could see where his loyalties lay. Tears came to his eyes as he watched Heinkel comfort Yumiko during her last moments of life. He turned away. The moment, he sensed, was a very private one and he did not want to intrude. Instead, Anderson turned slowly towards his enemy – Dracula. Nothing would make him feel better then driving his daggers through his heart.

Heinkel ran to Yumi. She had been her partner too. The Austrian woman held her partner in her arms. "Yumiko, why didn't you listen? I tried to tell you." Tears started to flow from Wolfe's eyes as she caressed Yumiko's soft skin. Yumi had let her come out to say good bye.

Regret. The emotion was overwhelming Yumiko's entire being. She could feel Yumi's regret too. They both regretted so many things right now: For not being strong enough to reach Father, Maxwell in time to save him, for not knowing that Father Anderson's soul had been tainted by the Hellsing witch, and for getting lost and separated from her comrades. Perhaps if she had stayed with them, the war games would have played out differently. As Heinkel stroked her hair, Yumiko realized there was one thing she regretted more then all the others – it was Heinkel.

Yumiko wished that she had the nerve to tell her partner how much she meant to her. That she had the nerve to ask her for a kiss. Yumi and Yumiko both loved Wolfe more then anyone or anything in this world. Wolfe had loved both of them – and she had never feared Yumi. Now she would die without knowing what it felt like to have Wolfe's lips on her mouth. _Well, at least we can die in her arms._ Yumi told Yumiko silently.

Wolfe held her partner while tears streamed down her face. She had not cried since she was a little girl – the experience was foreign to her. Heinkel wanted to stop what was happening – she didn't want Yumiko to die but she was powerless. "Yumiko, is there anything I can do? I hate to see you in so much pain?" She asked her partner.

Yumiko smiled weakly. Now was her chance to erase one of her regrets. She wasn't sure if it was her or Yumi who asked. So close to death it seemed as if their personalities had merged into one. She motioned for Wolfe to come closer so she could whisper in her ear. "Yes, I'm sorry, Wolfe. I never meant for it to turn out like this. I always wanted the chance to…"

"To what? What Yumiko?" Wolfe asked.

"For us to kiss." Yumiko blushed as she whispered the words.

Heinkel looked a little surprised but not as much as Yumiko or Yumi expected. She grinned, for kissing Yumiko was something she had wanted to do since they first met. Heinkel lowered her head and kissed Yumiko softly at first, not wanting to hasten her death. But, soon their emotions took over and the two women kissed each other hard, bruising each other's lips. As her time on earth ended, Yumiko did not regret using the last of strength to know what it felt like to be loved by Heinkel. The dying woman sighed as she took her last breath in the arms of the woman she had always loved.

Heinkel laid Yumiko's body gently on the ground and covered her comrade with her own coat. "You're finally at peace." She said to her dead friend.

"Yes, she is." A Scottish accented voice spoke from behind her. Father Anderson bent down to say good-bye to another dead friend. Another comrade he had murdered.

"I thought you were playing with your friend, murderer." Heinkel said, her voice filled with sarcasm.

"Sir Hellsing asked us to stop fighting." He replied.

Heinkel could not stand him near her, near Yumiko, for another second. "Get up, Alex." She ordered him.

Alexander got up. He knew whatever was coming was well deserved. "Listen Wolfe, I'm sorry…"

"Get away from her body. You are the murderer! Maxwell was bad enough but Yumiko? Why?" Wolfe looked at the priest, just trying to understand. "So tell me Father Anderson, tell me what your next assignment for the Hellsing organization will be. Are you going to murder me next?" Wolfe was starting to turn red from the rage building up inside of her.

"No Wolfe, I would never hurt you. I didn't want to hurt Yumiko – it is just I had no choice. She was going to kill Sir Hellsing---" The fist of Wolfe Heinkel put an end to his words and the punch nearly knocked him off of his feet.

"Father Anderson, are you coming with us – back to Hellsing? Or are you returning to the Vatican?" Integral Hellsing approached Wolfe and Alexander – but stayed a comfortable distance away.

Alexander knew he could never return after the sins he had committed today. The Vatican, Iscariot were lost to him forever. "If it is okay, Sir Hellsing, I'll be returning with you. I don't think I'll be welcomed in Rome." He turned to Wolfe. "Well, goodbye. I'm sure you could come too…if you wanted."

"I should punch you again, Alexander. I could never serve that heretic - she is a witch! No, I've done nothing wrong. I'll be returning to Iscariot. You go, have fun playing with the demons you profess to hate."

"Well, goodbye Wolfe." Anderson and he walked away from his last surviving friend.

"Goodbye, Father Anderson. The next time I see you, I'll have to put a bullet through your head. Yumi would want me to." Heinkel said to him with a glare.

"Goodbye, Father Anderson. The next time I see you, I'll have to put a bullet through your head. Yumi would want me to." Heinkel watched him leave – with Integral Hellsing and her demons. Wolfe crushed her cigarette on the ground - the sight of it filled her with anger. She sat with Yumiko's body and said goodbye for the last time. Why do I feel so damn alone? She lit a cigarette and walked away her partner and friend. Wolfe Heinkel's heart was filled with the emotion that her kiss erased for Yumiko just moments ago: **regret**. _Damn you, Yumiko_, she thought, _only you could make me feel so sentimental in the middle of a war._


	3. Sorrow for the Enemy

AN: This is **set in the manga** post volume 5. Major spoilers.

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The emotion was not one that Hans was familiar with and did not know why he felt it. Hans had survived so much in his lifetime and not had anyone or anything affected him in this manner. _Why do you make me feel this way, Angel?_ They were not friends nor were they lovers. Hans had never felt this sentiment for anyone: Not his enemies, friends, or even the girls he had courted as a youth... Yet today, looking at the pain in his eyes, the injuries to his beautiful face, and his blood stained clothes – the emotion consumed him. Regret. 

Watching what they did to him when Angel had first arrived had been painful for Hans. Even though years ago they had been enemies, Hans had always liked theyouth who now was an old man. When they fought, they fought fair – each of them enjoyed the challenge of a worthy adversary. The old butler had fought Doc and his assistants ferociously as they chained him to the bare metal table. It was in that instant that their eyes first met. In the moments that followed Hans tried to comfort him with his eyes.

He wanted to do so much more…

Hans ached to hold him in his arms and let him know that the pain would subside.  
To feed him his blood so the terrible hunger would be satiated.  
And to do so many things to his body to make him forget the pain, the emptiness, and the sorrow.

He was sorry that the Major and Doc would not allow it. They wanted the butler to suffer the worst possible pain through his transformation. Hans wanted to save his former adversary from all of the hurt and every sensation of pain. To a reason unknown to him, Captain Hans was bothered by the injustice of it all. He almost laughed at himself. He who watched Hitler kill millions without blinking his eyes thought it was unjust that one of their enemies suffered pain? Somehow, forcing the Hellsing agent to become a monster seemed incredibly wrong. _But since when have you care what was wrong or right?_ Still all of the others that had been experimented on by Doc had volunteered. The pain may have been just as real forthem but they had asked for it. The butler had not.

It was painful for the Captain to watch the man's spirit crushed, destroyed. Walter, the Angel of Death, had been so strong, powerful, and determined. His beliefs, his loyalty were steadfast and true. His resolve did not waiver with offers of money and power from the Major back then. All of that was different now. With black magic and science they were taking away that part of him, Hans had admired the most – his stubborn, arrogant determination. Now Walter Dolneaz was nothing more then the Major's puppet, slave, pawn, in his master plan to destroy Hellsing. The Captain laughed at the irony. Now, Walter, the Angel of Death was just like him.

The Captain finally overheard from other soldiers that the transformation was complete. When he saw the Angel walking in the corridor, his face was haunted and yet blank. Hans could see the memories of the torture he had endured. Angel did not speak but the Captain saw recognition in his eyes. Hans could not help but grin ever so slightly at Angel.

Hans knew of only one way to get rid of the emotion that was torturing him. He had to bring some comfort to Angel. Someone had done the same for him when he was turned. If Hans failed to, he knew his mind would continue to be tortured by the Angel's pain. The Captain went into Walter's room that day and climbed into his bed. As he filled Walter's body with pleasure, Hans could feel regret slowly slipping away from his soul. And from the smile on his partner's face – the pain was being erased from that of his Angel's.


	4. If Only

**Author's Note:** This ficlet could be set in either the anime or manga - it would fit in both. This is not a canon pairing but is one of my favorites: Walter & Seras. This would be set sometime before Seras met Pip in the manga or after the Valentine invasion in the anime.

Also I just want to let my readers know that some of these stories are set far in the manga (volume 6 & up) where characters are are very different from their anime counterparts and/or have changed drastically from the way they are at the beginning of the manga. Anderson, Seras, and Integral are **very different** by volume six then they are in volume one. So if they seem OOC, they actually are not. Kohta Hirano has just changed them that much. If you want, contact me and I can let you know (online) where to read the manga volumes that have not been released in the US yet.

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Walter smiled watching Seras try to put her gun back together. She really was trying to learn parts of his job. Integral had insisted – just in case. Hearing those words had made him feel something. What was it? Whatever it was, Walter did not like it. These feelings, sensation and unease, did bring back some memories for the Hellsing butler.

He recalled his first day on the job, meeting Alucard, and the many times the vampire had tried to tempt to join him in the undead world. There were times - times like these that Walter wished that his answer had been different. And that he had said yes.

It wasn't because he wished to be that young man again. No, going through it once was hard enough. Walter even could deal with his fading memories and aching bones. Those were all just minor annoyances of life. No, it was her. She was the reason that Walter wished he would have said yes.

Seras Victoria, Alucard's fledgling vampire – she made him want to be young again. He wished that she could have known him as he was then – a rebellious, strong, and handsome young man. What would their life had been like if had been a vampire too? Walter almost blushed thinking of all the fun they could have. Now, they were merely missed opportunities. She would never look twice at him. Sure they were friends of some sort – the kind one has at work. He would never know what it was like to hold her in his arms, kiss her soft lips, or make love to her beautiful body. How many nights did he dream of such things? If only he had said yes.

Watching her from here, Walter's heart ached to touch her – take her in his arms and kiss her hard on the lips. Yet he would not. It was not proper etiquette and he was only the butler after all. A very old butler. She would not look twice at an old man such as him. She was so young and pretty, Walter was sure all of the soldiers had asked her out. He wondered if she had gone on any dates since her arrival at Hellsing. A pencil snapped in his hands – he had crushed it. Funny, thinking about her with another man would have that affect on me.

Finally, the word came to him – regret. He chuckled at the thought that he regretted not becoming a vampire as a young man. _How ironic is that?_ But, if he had accepted Alucard's gift, things would be very different between them. He would look like a young man. They would have the same Master and the two of them would be vampires of equal power. There would be so many things that they could share. By now surely, the two of them would have become lovers. He had said no, however.

Instead of knowing the feeling of her body beneath his, he would only know how it felt to want something that was just out of his reach, a chance that never happened because of his answer to a question so many years ago. How could he have known about her back then? Yes, regret was the emotion that filled his heart. He regretted never having the chance to kiss her, share her bed, and to become intimate in the way that only lovers could. Walter was sorry that one day he would die and leave her alone in this world. Although his heart ached at the thought of her with someone else, he hoped that one day Seras Victoria would meet someone to love her as much as he. It would make him happy but Walter would still regret he never had a chance to love her as he truly desired.


End file.
